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Settling in at nursery: how to help your child feel at home
What settling-in sessions do, why your child has a key person by law, and what the first few weeks really look like.
Settling in is a process, not a day. Most of the work happens before the first full session, in short visits with you there, and the single thing that makes the biggest difference is the adult your child is handed to. Every nursery in England has to give your child a named one.
The short version
- Every child must be assigned a key person. It is a legal requirement, not a courtesy.
- Settling-in sessions are short visits before the start date. Use every one you are offered.
- Separation anxiety is common between six months and three years, and it is normal.
- Say goodbye properly and briefly. Never slip out while your child is distracted.
Your child’s key person
This is the part parents tend not to know about, and it matters more than anything else on this page. The Early Years Foundation Stage statutory framework requires that every child is assigned a key person: a named member of staff whose job is to tailor that child’s care to their needs, help them become familiar with the setting, offer a settled relationship, and build a relationship with you.
The framework is explicit that children need to build an attachment with their key person for their confidence and wellbeing. So the question to ask before the first day is not “what is the routine” but “who will my child go to”. Find out their name, meet them, and give them the small details: the word your child uses for their bottle, the song that works at nap time, the toy that cannot be left behind.
How many adults are in the room
Ratios are set in law and they change with age, which is why a baby room feels so different from a preschool room:
- Under two: at least one member of staff for every three children.
- Two year olds: at least one for every five.
- Three and over: at least one for every eight, or one for every 13 where a qualified teacher is working directly with the children.
Worth knowing when you are weighing up whether a younger child will get enough attention. In our baby nursery in Ongar the law allows three babies per adult; by the time they reach our toddler nursery in Ongar it is five.
What settling-in sessions involve
Settings vary and there is no prescribed number, but a common pattern runs something like this. Ask what your nursery actually offers, and whether you can add more.
- A first short visit with you staying. Your child explores, you sit back rather than hovering, and the key person makes the first approach at the child’s pace.
- A second visit where you leave the room for twenty minutes or so and come back. This is the one that does the real work: your child learns that you go and you return.
- A short session on their own, perhaps an hour, before the first full day.
A child who finds separation hard needs more of these, not a faster schedule. If the first full day is looming and the visits have not gone well, say so rather than pressing on.
The goodbye
Drop-off is where most of the distress is made or avoided, and the NHS guidance on separation anxiety is clear about what helps. Practise short separations before nursery starts, even just a few minutes with someone else while you nip out. Make the goodbye positive: smile, wave and go confidently, because a child reads your tension before they read the room. Leave something that smells of you or a favourite toy if the nursery allows it.
Never slip out while your child is distracted. It avoids a bad thirty seconds and buys a worse fortnight, because the lesson your child takes is that you can vanish without warning. A short, cheerful, definite goodbye is harder for you and easier for them.
What is normal, and what to raise
Separation anxiety is common in children between six months and three years, and the NHS describes it as a normal part of development that children usually grow out of. These are the things parents worry about that are not, in themselves, a problem:
Normal in the first few weeks
- Crying at the door but settling within minutes
- Clinginess at home in the evenings
- Broken sleep and a bigger appetite
- Being fine for a week, then protesting in week two
Ask the staff what your child does after you leave, not just how the day went. If the distress is severe, lasts well into the session, or is still going after more than a few weeks, raise it with the nursery and with your health visitor. Our starting nursery checklist covers what to do in the weeks before the first day, and if you have not picked a start date yet, what age to start nursery is worth reading first.
Frequently asked questions
What is a key person at nursery?
A named member of staff responsible for your child. The Early Years Foundation Stage requires every child to be assigned one, to tailor their care, help them become familiar with the setting and build a relationship with you. Ask who yours is before the first day.
How many settling-in sessions should my child have?
There is no set number and settings vary. Two or three short visits before the first full day is a common pattern, and more is better for a child who finds separation hard. Ask how many are included and whether you can book extra.
Should I sneak out to avoid upsetting my child?
No. The NHS advises making the goodbye a positive moment: smile, wave and go confidently. Slipping away teaches a child that you might disappear without warning, which usually makes the next drop-off harder, not easier.
What if my child is still unsettled after a few weeks?
Talk to the nursery first and ask what your child does after you leave. The NHS suggests speaking to your health visitor if separation anxiety is causing a lot of distress or has gone on for more than a few weeks.
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Ready to look round?
Come during a normal session and watch how staff talk to the children. That tells you more about settling in than anything written down.
- High Street, Chipping Ongar, Essex CM5 9AA
- Open Monday to Friday, 8am to 6pm
- Children aged six months to five years
